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Della
Late afternoon
in the swamp pit the badge comes off and the gun gets cleaned.
Virgil
Della,
get your skinny ass over here and hold this while I…
Della
I’ve always
been clumsy.
Virgil
Ah shit.
Now you’ve done it.
Voice
This is
a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a
test.
Virgil
Get up
woman. It’s just a flesh wound. I’ve seen a deer run for
an hour and a half with worse.
Della
They had
a moon bounce on the square Saturday. Bar B Que and a petting
zoo, but the rain came and they packed it all in. Left us
in the hot wet strumming water logged banjos and caterwauling
our fool hearts out.
Voice
Everybody
out. The carnival is closed. If the shit’s gonna hit the
fan we’ll sound an alarm.
Della
I meant
to marry a carpenter who could build me a house. Or a truck
driver and see the world.
Virgil
Do you
know how fast you were going?
Della
Sometimes
I think I was tricked.
Tab
He sure
was good lookin’.
Mammy
The prettiest
teeth.
Tab
Don’t
know how come him to swell up like that though.
Mammy
One day
he was fine, next thing I know his neck’s got so thick it’s
even with his face. Looks like a stovepipe with eyes.
Daisy
No hair.
Mammy
Never
had a cavity.
Tab
Giant
tits and that pinched off little ass that just hangs there
like a hound dogface.
Voice
This is
a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a
test.
Mammy
Your cousin
got struck by lightnin' twice.
Tab
So.
Mammy
Then a
scorpion stung him.
Daisy
Who?
Mammy
Your cousin.
Otto. You never knew him. He died.
Daisy
From the
scorpion?
Mammy
Naw. Died
in the bathroom. Had a heart attack and fell right off the
toilet. Just like Elvis.
Daisy
Oh.
Mammy
Put that
pretty dress on. What are you saving it for?
Tab
I’m not
going to the courthouse dressed like Scarlet O’Hara.
Mammy
Just cause
you don’t make a production out of it don’t mean it ain’t
a big deal.
Tab
It’s just
a formality.
Mammy
I married
your grandpappy at the courthouse and it stuck.
Grandpappy
Sixty-three
years.
Mammy
Some mornings
I stand over him. Watching him drool all over my mama’s
quilt and I think God how I’d love to kill him.
Grandpappy
Marriage
is like a contest to see who will die first.
Mammy
The winner
goes to heaven.
Grandpappy
The straggler
gets to chase tail.
Mammy
Until
he breaks a hip.
Grandpappy
It’s supposed
to be good luck if it rains on your wedding day.
Tab
Good luck
for who?
Della
Land locked
swamp pit. Power lines running through the playground. Poison
river flowing like a slow trickling tidal wave.
Tab
Grandpappy’s
arm is stinkin’.
Mammy
Needs
to quit that smokin’.
Grandpappy
Everything
you do will kill you. Might as well do the stuff you like.
Mammy
They cut
aunt Zammers titties off. She didn't like much of nothin' after
that.
Virgil
Give us
a kiss.
Della
I’m tired.
Virgil
Frigid
bitch.
Della
Seven
AM there’s a knock on my door. It’s Saturday.
Virgil
Somebody
better be bleeding.
Della
It’s a
woman with a cat.
Woman
Is this
your cat?
Della
No.
Woman
You sure?
Della
I don’t
have a cat.
Woman
You want
this one?
Della
No.
Woman
It’s a
good one.
Della
I don’t
like cats.
Woman
Do you
know anyone who…
Virgil
Get your
mangy pussy off my porch or I will kill you and feed you
to it.
Della
I’ll take
it.
Virgil
Here kitty
kitty kitty.
Della
A week
later it gets parvo.
Virgil
Here kitty
kitty kitty.
Della
Don’t
know if it was the disease or the bullet hole that killed
it. The baby found it in a shoebox with maggots all over
it.
Virgil
Don’t
touch it. Throw it in a garbage bag. That’s a dignified
enough end for that thing.
Della
The garbage
man comes clanking down the street. I’m exhausted. I was
up late killing ladybugs.
Daisy
There’s
a ladybug in my tea.
Mammy
They’re
all over the place.
Grandpappy
Ladybugs
are good luck.
Daisy
Not when
they're in your tea.
Tab
I’ve been
killing them by the sack full.
Mammy
Pestilence.
Voice
This is
a test. This is only a test.
Daisy
There’s
a mouse in the pantry too.
Mammy
I’ll get
the D-Con.
Tab
If you
poison them they die in the wall.
Mammy
Can’t
have mice with company coming.
Tab
Yeah.
It’s much better to have a corpse rottin’ in the
wall.
Mammy
You see
that yellow sky?
Daisy
What’s
it mean?
Grandpappy
Means
God is fixed to piss on us.
Mammy
Means
it’s a tornader comin’.
Grandpappy
This might
be it. The end of the world.
Tab
Don’t
listen to them.
Grandpappy
Food might
run out. Too many people. Everybody hoarding tuna fish and
water bottles.
Mammy
Was that
thunder?
Tab
Garbage
truck.
Grandpappy
We gonna
drink this or what?
Tab
I can't.
I got to sing at church tomorrow. I'll get to feelin' like
I better confess it.
Grandpappy
What would
you wanna do that for?
Tab
I can't
help it. That's just how I do.
Grandpappy
Well I’m
gonna drink it. Doctor’s orders.
Mammy
Bull tickey.
Grandpappy
Brother
Jimmy brings a flask to church.
Granny
He ain't
done it.
Grandpappy
I shit
you not. I seen him.
Tab
That's
awful
Grandpappy
I don't
know. It's the Sabbath. Day of rest and all. The man never
could relax without a drink in him. Dry him out he's mean
as a snake. Liquor him up and he's docile as a spring lamb.
Got the patience of Job and the all consuming love of the
Lord Jesus himself.
Tab
It ain't
right to drink at church.
Della
Jesus
turned the water to wine.
Tab
That was
at a wedding.
Grandpappy
Was it
a church wedding?
Tab
I don't
know.
Grandpappy
I just
don't see why it's ok to do a thing one place and not another.
If God is everywhere why does it matter where we are when
we do a thing?
Tab
It's a
matter of respect for the house of God.
Grandpappy
If God
came to my house I'd offer him a drink.
Tab
If God
came to this house he’d asphyxiate.
Mammy
Was that
thunder?
Tab
It's a
garbage truck.
Mammy
Garbage
don't run on Sunday.
Tab
It ain't
even raining.
Mammy
You get
out of here tornader!
Della
Go back
in the house.
Mammy
Let’s
all get in. I’ll make you a pie. What do you want to be
out here for anyway?
Tab
Can’t
breathe in there. Stinks like hell.
We
hear a sound, obviously thunder this time and a flicker
of lightning.
Mammy
I want
you to tell me what kind of garbage truck lights up the
sky like that? I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!
Tab
Oh good
Lord.
Daisy
Who’s
she talkin’ to?
Tab
The sky.
She thinks a tornado’s gonna blow a bunch of scorpions in
here. Then we’ll all have heart attacks.
Mammy
You got
no power here tornader!
Tab
Every
time it rains.
Mammy
Ya’ll
get in the house.
Tab
You get
in the house.
Mammy
It’s a
tornader comin’.
Tab
It ain’t
done it.
Mammy
I reckon
I heard it. They interrupted my stories and said go
get in the basement.
Tab
We ain’t
got a basement.
Mammy
Well we
got to get somewhere! … Fine. Go on then. Sit out here like
a pack of fools.
Grandpappy
Hand us
a beer will you?
Mammy
It ain’t
right to tempt the Lord.
Grandpappy
Tempt
him hell, you done rebuked that storm. We oughtta be fine.
Mammy
You laugh
at me you old son of a bitch. Your number’s up.
Grandpappy
I hope
so.
Mammy
Well let
me tell you this. Don’t come crying to me when you get struck
by lightnin’ or a tree falls on ya. I’m not wipin’ a one
of your sorry asses when you’re laid up broke down because
you didn’t have enough sense to get in out of the rain.
I don’t know much, but I know this. If you play chicken
with the Lord you will lose. If you dance around laughing
in the face of Mother Nature she’ll whip yer ass. And my
days of settin’ a fool back on its feet are done. I don’t
care what happens to you. The whole sorry lot of you.
Lightning
strikes. Mammy falls.
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