Mallory Mapes, or “The Little Resus Monkey” as she was known in her early career as a child performer, first began writing at the age of 3, stating that, “Nothing in this world is permanent. We all travel alone. I cannot find my sippy cup. Eternal strife overcomes me.” However, she spent the better part of her single digit years starring in and traveling with the hit musical production of “I See What Ya Did There, Clarence,” leaving little time for honing her writing

While writing was on hold, she focused on her acting career. After finishing “I See What Ya Did There, Clarence,” she played the part of Tina McWidow in the off off broadway drama “These Are My Wrinkles, These Are My Days,” opening on her 9th birthday and running for 3 weeks.  She’d barely broken in her catcher’s mitt and hoop skirt when an exposè on the lead actress, Landy Langho, revealed her to be a former potato farmer, rather than the sweet potato farmer she so vehemently claimed to have been*. The backlash was immediate, and “These Are My Wrinkles” was forced to cancel all remaining shows.

Having spent several months learning all her lines for what she was confident would be her breakout role, The Little Resus Monkey felt defeated. She used her memorized lines in conjunction with some stolen props and bags of garbage to create a one woman show, which she performed nightly, standing on park benches, holding up a feather boa and an orange teapot, and shouting, “No! I am not an acrobat! I have no Poseidon; Can’t you see, papa?!”

Shortly after this, she decided to drop her stage name of “The Little Resus Monkey” for the more adult-sounding and more marketable name of “Madonna.” Within 24 hours of announcing her decision on her manager’s answering machine, she had been served with a cease and desist order, threatened with a lawsuit, and forced to destroy the personalized nameplate she had made for her bicycle.**

Her life completely in shambles, Mallory decided to use her given name as she turned to writing once again. She penned seventeen short stories in a month, two of which Harper’s Bazaar picked up before realizing that her name was not Woody Allen.***

She then moved to Nashville, where no one had heard of her former career, and she was able to start her life anew. She began as a celebrity guest columnist for Nashville Skyline, but soon joined full time.

She lives with two small dogs, a cat, and a future ruler of a small European nation.

*It was later determined that Ms. Langho was using the adjective “sweet” to refer to the noun “farmer” and, in fact, was not referring to the noun “potato.” Despite this, her career never recovered

**Madonna sucks.

***This was due to a clerical error when the recepionist, Mrs. Flouncy, suffered from an anuerysm while opening the day’s submissions. Woody Allen was never made aware of the incident.