The Help answers your questions about housekeeping, Justin Bieber, love, human decency and how to save your mortal soul–just not necessarily in that order.
Q: Help, is there a way to keep my garbage disposal smelling fresh while feeling good about the product I am using?
A: Assuming you are not using “garbage disposal” as a euphemism for something else, I recommend periodically making yourself a hot toddy. After steeping the lemon slices in the hot water, honey and whiskey (I recommend Jameson’s), toss them in the disposal and let it run for a minute. Then drink the toddy. You’ll feel much better and the disposal will smell lemon-fresh.
Q: Help, my boyfriend can’t stop talking about Justin Bieber. Is this just a phase or do you think he is gay?
A: The first thing to determine in this situation is whether or not your boyfriend is, in fact, 12 years old. If he is 12, he could just have really shitty taste in music and no real personality of his own. The situation may right itself once he reaches puberty since the development of taste and character sometimes takes a while, especially in boys. Just be grateful he hasn’t hopped on board the Glee Train.
If said boyfriend is older than 12 and he is still obsessed with the Biebster, ditch him. It doesn’t matter whether or not he is gay, he is a freak. Move on.
Q: Help, a friend of mine said that when I wake up in the middle of the night to find my cat on my chest staring intently at me, he is actually trying to steal my soul. I know this is just an old wives’ tale, but my friend is convinced and just won’t leave me alone about it. What should I do?
A: At some time or another, it is likely that your cat really will attempt to steal your soul. This is just the way of cats. We made that agreement with them eons ago when we domesticated them; they provide a fickle sort of companionship in return for our mortal souls. It is really up to you to determine how important your soul is—obviously you aren’t going to get rid of the cat.
You can take measures to prevent the soul-snatching by making a life-sized dummy of yourself, soaking it in sour milk and rolling it in something dead. Put this in bed with you at night. Cats do not generally bother to see if you actually have a pulse, and they can’t resist sour milk or dead things. They will go for the decoy every time. Just remember though – this is a commitment you must make for the life of the cat or at least as long as you are alive. It’s the only way to keep your soul intact.
Q: Help, what did you think of the new Justin Bieber print on the east wall of the playroom? The girls love it!
A: Actually, I didn’t notice it. You see, over the years I have developed a condition known as Help Vision. It allows me to see inanimate objects as they apply to the task at hand, without having to actually process what I am seeing.
For example, you see a Justin Bieber print. I see a large, garish square of paper encased in glass with finger smudges on the outside. This adaptation serves as a survival mechanism in that it allows a sort of buffer between myself and the less savory items in your home (such as the one-eyed, limbless, flesh-colored doll you keep under the night stand).
Q: Help, would you like this sweater? It doesn’t fit me anymore. I bought it when shoulder pads were in, and it has a couple of moth holes in the back, and the fabric is somewhat similar to burlap that the color chartreuse threw up on, but it’s still nice, don’t you think?
A: I am going to pass. Just because I clean your toilet doesn’t mean I would wear something you are embarrassed to give to Goodwill, but thanks for the thought.
Also, I have my own clothes.
Q: Help, did I ever tell you about the time I lost my virginity to the Color Guard at half time during the homecoming game?
A: Oh sweet damn, no! And for cryin’ out loud could you please shut the door and not talk to me while you are using the bathroom?
Photo by Grannis Photography