This is an archived text version of the author’s work.
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Open on a screened in porch. People come and go. All but Grandpappy who is camped out on an old roll away bed that he never leaves. There’s blind dog next to him. Tab is fixing Daisy’s hair. Mammy fans around, but never sits.
Tab
There’s no tornado.
Mammy
You don’t know that.
Tab
Not a cloud in the sky.
Mammy
When I was little a tornader come. Took the roof off. I was standin’ by the stove watchin’ mama make teacakes. Next thing I know it’s rainin’ on me.
Tab
What’s that got to do with anything?
Della and Virgil flicker in and out. Black and white static.
Della
Late afternoon in the swamp pit the badge comes off and the gun gets cleaned.
Virgil
Della, get your skinny ass over here and hold this while I…
Della
I’ve always been clumsy.
Virgil
Ah shit. Now you’ve done it.
Voice
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test.
Virgil
Get up woman. It’s just a flesh wound. I’ve seen a deer run for an hour and a half with worse.
Della
They had a moon bounce on the square Saturday. Bar B Que and a petting zoo, but the rain came and they packed it all in. Left us in the hot wet strumming water logged banjos and caterwauling our fool hearts out.
Voice
Everybody out. The carnival is closed. If the shit’s gonna hit the fan we’ll sound an alarm.
Della
I meant to marry a carpenter who could build me a house. Or a truck driver and see the world.
Virgil
Do you know how fast you were going?
Della
Sometimes I think I was tricked.
Tab
He sure was good lookin’.
Mammy
The prettiest teeth.
Tab
Don’t know how come him to swell up like that though.
Mammy
One day he was fine, next thing I know his neck’s got so thick it’s even with his face. Looks like a stovepipe with eyes.
Daisy
No hair.
Mammy
Never had a cavity.
Tab
Giant tits and that pinched off little ass that just hangs there like a hound dogface.
Voice
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test.
Mammy
Your cousin got struck by lightnin’ twice.
Tab
So.
Mammy
Then a scorpion stung him.
Daisy
Who?
Mammy
Your cousin. Otto. You never knew him. He died.
Daisy
From the scorpion?
Mammy
Naw. Died in the bathroom. Had a heart attack and fell right off the toilet. Just like Elvis.
Daisy
Oh.
Mammy
Put that pretty dress on. What are you saving it for?
Tab
I’m not going to the courthouse dressed like Scarlet O’Hara.
Mammy
Just cause you don’t make a production out of it don’t mean it ain’t a big deal.
Tab
It’s just a formality.
Mammy
I married your grandpappy at the courthouse and it stuck.
Grandpappy
Sixty-three years.
Mammy
Some mornings I stand over him. Watching him drool all over my mama’s quilt and I think God how I’d love to kill him.
Grandpappy
Marriage is like a contest to see who will die first.
Mammy
The winner goes to heaven.
Grandpappy
The straggler gets to chase tail.
Mammy
Until he breaks a hip.
Grandpappy
It’s supposed to be good luck if it rains on your wedding day.
Tab
Good luck for who?
Della
Land locked swamp pit. Power lines running through the playground. Poison river flowing like a slow trickling tidal wave.
Tab
Grandpappy’s arm is stinkin’.
Mammy
Needs to quit that smokin’.
Grandpappy
Everything you do will kill you. Might as well do the stuff you like.
Mammy
They cut aunt Zammers titties off. She didn’t like much of nothin’ after that.
Virgil
Give us a kiss.
Della
I’m tired.
Virgil
Frigid bitch.
Della
Seven AM there’s a knock on my door. It’s Saturday.
Virgil
Somebody better be bleeding.
Della
It’s a woman with a cat.
Woman
Is this your cat?
Della
No.
Woman
You sure?
Della
I don’t have a cat.
Woman
You want this one?
Della
No.
Woman
It’s a good one.
Della
I don’t like cats.
Woman
Do you know anyone who…
Virgil
Get your mangy pussy off my porch or I will kill you and feed you to it.
Della
I’ll take it.
Virgil
Here kitty kitty kitty.
Della
A week later it gets parvo.
Virgil
Here kitty kitty kitty.
Della
Don’t know if it was the disease or the bullet hole that killed it. The baby found it in a shoebox with maggots all over it.
Virgil
Don’t touch it. Throw it in a garbage bag. That’s a dignified enough end for that thing.
Della
The garbage man comes clanking down the street. I’m exhausted. I was up late killing ladybugs.
Daisy
There’s a ladybug in my tea.
Mammy
They’re all over the place.
Grandpappy
Ladybugs are good luck.
Daisy
Not when they’re in your tea.
Tab
I’ve been killing them by the sack full.
Mammy
Pestilence.
Voice
This is a test. This is only a test.
Daisy
There’s a mouse in the pantry too.
Mammy
I’ll get the D-Con.
Tab
If you poison them they die in the wall.
Mammy
Can’t have mice with company coming.
Tab
Yeah. It’s much better to have a corpse rottin’ in the wall.
Mammy
You see that yellow sky?
Daisy
What’s it mean?
Grandpappy
Means God is fixed to piss on us.
Mammy
Means it’s a tornader comin’.
Grandpappy
This might be it. The end of the world.
Tab
Don’t listen to them.
Grandpappy
Food might run out. Too many people. Everybody hoarding tuna fish and water bottles.
Mammy
Was that thunder?
Tab
Garbage truck.
Grandpappy
We gonna drink this or what?
Tab
I can’t. I got to sing at church tomorrow. I’ll get to feelin’ like I better confess it.
Grandpappy
What would you wanna do that for?
Tab
I can’t help it. That’s just how I do.
Grandpappy
Well I’m gonna drink it. Doctor’s orders.
Mammy
Bull tickey.
Grandpappy
Brother Jimmy brings a flask to church.
Granny
He ain’t done it.
Grandpappy
I shit you not. I seen him.
Tab
That’s awful
Grandpappy
I don’t know. It’s the Sabbath. Day of rest and all. The man never could relax without a drink in him. Dry him out he’s mean as a snake. Liquor him up and he’s docile as a spring lamb. Got the patience of Job and the all consuming love of the Lord Jesus himself.
Tab
It ain’t right to drink at church.
Della
Jesus turned the water to wine.
Tab
That was at a wedding.
Grandpappy
Was it a church wedding?
Tab
I don’t know.
Grandpappy
I just don’t see why it’s ok to do a thing one place and not another. If God is everywhere why does it matter where we are when we do a thing?
Tab
It’s a matter of respect for the house of God.
Grandpappy
If God came to my house I’d offer him a drink.
Tab
If God came to this house he’d asphyxiate.
Mammy
Was that thunder?
Tab
It’s a garbage truck.
Mammy
Garbage don’t run on Sunday.
Tab
It ain’t even raining.
Mammy
You get out of here tornader!
Della
Go back in the house.
Mammy
Let’s all get in. I’ll make you a pie. What do you want to be out here for anyway?
Tab
Can’t breathe in there. Stinks like hell.
We hear a sound, obviously thunder this time and a flicker of lightning.
Mammy
I want you to tell me what kind of garbage truck lights up the sky like that? I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!
Tab
Oh good Lord.
Daisy
Who’s she talkin’ to?
Tab
The sky. She thinks a tornado’s gonna blow a bunch of scorpions in here. Then we’ll all have heart attacks.
Mammy
You got no power here tornader!
Tab
Every time it rains.
Mammy
Ya’ll get in the house.
Tab
You get in the house.
Mammy
It’s a tornader comin’.
Tab
It ain’t done it.
Mammy
I reckon I heard it. They interrupted my stories and said go get in the basement.
Tab
We ain’t got a basement?
Mammy
Well we got to get somewhere! … Fine. Go on then. Sit out here like a pack of fools.
Grandpappy
Hand us a beer will you?
Mammy
It ain’t right to tempt the Lord.
Grandpappy
Tempt him hell, you done rebuked that storm. We oughtta be fine.
Mammy
You laugh at me you old son of a bitch. Your numbers up.
Grandpappy
I hope so.
Mammy
Well let me tell you this. Don’t come crying to me when you get struck by lightnin’ or a tree falls on ya. I’m not wipin’ a one of your sorry asses when you’re laid up broke down because you didn’t have enough sense to get in out of the rain. I don’t know much, but I know this. If you play chicken with the Lord you will lose. If you dance around laughing in the face of Mother Nature she’ll whip yer ass. And my days of settin’ a fool back on its feet are done. I don’t care what happens to you. The whole sorry lot of you.
Lightning strikes. Mammy falls.
